It turns out that in lieu of divorce, many couples simply choose to live apart. The reason: They believe they cannot afford to divorce. A recent longitudinal study conducted at Ohio State University shows that couples who separate but don't divorce primarily do so for financial reasons. The role of religion, often thought to play a role in separations, turns out to be less important.
This explains why divorce filings go down during a recession, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. Moreover, in the current very slow economic recovery, many houses remain underwater, forcing couples to remain living together under the same roof.
Experts urge anyone who is in an abusive situation to not succumb to the temptation to stay, especially in bad economic times. Financial stress can make a bad relationship even worse, according to Nancy Molitor, an Illinois clinical psychologist and couples therapist. Do whatever you have to do to go somewhere else - stay with friends or relatives, barter in return for rent or offer to babysit.
However, if you and your spouse can safely live under the same roof, you need to plan everything out. Who will cook, and when? How will your financial lives be arranged? It's especially important to untangle your finances before you decide to separate (but not move) if you share a checkbook and other accounts. You need to lay down the ground rules - in detail.
What if you can't live with your soon-to-be ex and want to divorce, but don't think you can afford it? There are things you can do to minimize the effect of divorce on your pocketbook.
· Fill out the forms yourself rather than have your lawyer do it for you based on the records you provide.
· Do your own investigation before your spouse moves out. Look for bank books, go through the mail and look at the phone bill. Don't worry about feeling creepy; your spouse may be doing the same thing to you.
· Figure out the child support to be paid or received. Massachusetts has an online calculator that can help with this.
· Get your assets valued yourself. Get a Realtor to do a "comp" of the marital home and a business evaluator to estimate the current - and future - value of a company owned by either of you.
· Don't ask your lawyer for marital advice - get a therapist or counselor. These professionals are usually less expensive.
· Make your own copies of pertinent documents. It's almost always cheaper than relying on your lawyer's office.
· Use alternative dispute resolution techniques if you and your spouse are able to work together.
· Find an attorney who offers flat-fee divorce so that you know how much it will cost you before you start.
· Use a lawyer who offers a free initial consultation. Use that time to figure out how much it will cost you and whether he or she offers a flat-fee option.
· Determine whether your attorney offers payment plans. Many people cannot afford a large lump sum payment, but could if they can make multiple payments over months or even years.
The best way to avoid the grim picture of mounting legal expenses is to try to resolve as many issues as possible together. This will reduce your lawyer's billable hours and your overall expense. Although this is a challenge for many couples, it can be done. And often, the outcome is actually better than having a judge do it for you.
